Measurement of a Man: Engines, Ponies, Pipes and More

I have several important men in my life that are all very different. In order to size them up, I have used the relationships that each of them has with autos in order to understand them a little better. My father has now retired, but was a professional geologist. He has ever been really outdoorsy. He’s known for chipping a stone here, collect a fossil over there. He is definitely a man’s man, but has never been very fond of any kind of machinery. Gears and engines have a way of producing his inner savage even though he is a real gentleman. I can remember times when I was very young, seeing my dad with his head under the hood of a car and hearing him swearing at the Industrial Age. My father would always change the tyres on our VW camper, but I never saw him fawning over aftermarket center caps or grille work. While he would occasionally dab some Rust-o-leum onto oxidized spots on the van or put H2O in the radiator, you would never see him take a Q-tip to the dashboard knobs or scrub the headlights with a toothbrush. On the other hand, my father-in-law is unquestionably a car man. He can tell you the make, model and year of every vehicle that’s traveled down the Pennsylvania turnpike. His ideal way to spend a Saturday afternoon would be checking out a 1962 Chevrolet at a local Antique Club Car Show or scrubbing his own whitewalls. He grew up in rural northern Pennsylvania and graduated rapidly from a pacifier to a pitchfork and wrench. Where he grew up, farm boys were expected to learn everything they could about animal farming and mechanics. He has maintained his passion for gadgets, wheels, and engines, but has no interest in animals. He left the farm, never looking back, and attended college. My hubby is a professor, just like his father and my father, but that is where their similarities end. He doesn’t meticulously clean his cars, collect rocks, or go camping. He likes to spend Saturdays enjoy coffee at a local Starbuck, marking papers, and connecting with friends on Facebook. He puts fuel in the car, but would be more inclined to use his Ford center caps for paper weights instead of using them to floss his ride. No offense to hard working wheel center caps. He makes it a point to vacuum his car once in a while and doesn’t mind driving around with “Wash me!” on the back window indefinitely. Our daughter’s boyfriend is just like my father in law, but a little more juiced. He got a high performance exhaust kit as a gift last month and has been thrilled ever since beyond his tailpipe rumbles deeply. You can tell that our daughter is in the throes of love when you hear her talk about how you can hear him coming from a mile away. It’s true that men and the relationships they have with their automobiles are complicated. It seems that their relationships can be an expression of some men’s masculinity, while other men treat their cars as an opponent that’s a nuisance that must be conquered or endured. Many men blaspheme their cars and others name them. Many men give their cars plenty of TLC while some campaign for bragging rights because their vehicle has the highest mileage or is the most beat up. Men exchange car stories over beers, just like war tales are shared around a campfire. This is the reason the auto industry can sell billions of dollars worth of window tint, aftermarket center caps, dash accoutrements, chrome, seat covers, rims, car alarms, backup sensors, hoods, tailpipes, and decals. Whether the wheels in the drive are fodder for cursing or cooing, I think there’s some inescapable mechanical mojo going on – something akin to “If you build it, he will come.”

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